Today, I have to study... I am not saying "want" because my mind is a lazy thing — it doesn't want to... I always talk all big — this, that... blah blah blah... but finally someone challenged me IRL and told me I am not worth it. Worth anything at all.
And I can't... I can't be like "yeah, I am not worth it, I accept it." I am nobody... I don’t have friends... I’m bad at keeping connected, even if I have any connections. And online — well, that's another thing. I never talked to anyone ever. But I talk in this one box I have, in this one social network I'm in... and I think to myself that I’ve been known by people. I am pathetic and pointless.
So yeah, I can accept it all, but I can't accept that I am not worth it when it comes to my studies. When it comes to what I wanna achieve.
I wanna break time. Simple and straight. I am breaking it and narrowing down a path to myself — saving someone and changing what was supposed to be my fate. A person who helps others. Which is cool, right? Being a research scientist working in a rocket industry... or being a superhero... or maybe being both. Whatever. I want everything perfect.
And my life has never been perfect. So I wanna erase it and get rid of all the stupid dumb things I did, that happened to me, etc... etc... and keep it straight. The way I want. That’s it.
So I am doing it. Somehow, some way.
See, this is me — big mouth, my hands typing, my mind thinking. But never in action. Well... who can say they lost just about their complete life? I lost it. So at least I can say that I’m "F"-ed up enough to keep a footing on my actions.
But the time has come — and today is the day I start. I thought I could do it last Wednesday night... but I couldn't. But the challenge wasn't on Wednesday. I accepted it on Wednesday. It starts today.
I need to learn 300 things in about 5 days. And on the coming Wednesday, I need to answer any question I’m asked. I’ve been given a book to read. What I actually got tricked into is... I need to deal with the whole book, which has more than 1000 things. So yeah... I might end up being "not worth it" for sure, I guess.
But I try. And I try now. If my life is worth it, then I beat this. If not... then maybe I really am nothing.
I’m also adding the music that I’m currently hearing. And maybe today I won’t change it — because this has always been the music of nostalgia. This game will always be my favourite. Getting another chance in life... perfectly fits me. Because that’s why I wanna erase my life now :P